JK Rowling Speaks at Harvard

June 13th, 2008 by dcwin29

It’s one of my dreams to be a commencement speaker… and here’s another inspiration.

One of the things that made me smile and cry at the same time…

*****

The Fringe Benefits of Failure, and the Importance of Imagination Harvard University Commencement Address J.K. Rowling

Copyright June 2008

As prepared for delivery

President Faust, members of the Harvard Corporation and the Board of Overseers, members of the faculty, proud parents, and, above all, graduates, The first thing I would like to say is ‘thank you.’ Not only has Harvard given me an extraordinary honour, but the weeks of fear and nausea I’ve experienced at the thought of giving this commencement address have made me lose weight. A win-win situation! Now all I have to do is take deep breaths, squint at the red banners and fool myself into believing I am at the world’s best-educated Harry Potter convention. Delivering a commencement address is a great responsibility; or so I thought until I cast my mind back to my own graduation. The commencement speaker that day was the distinguished British philosopher Baroness Mary Warnock. Reflecting on her speech has helped me enormously in writing this one, because it turns out that I can’t remember a single word she said. This liberating discovery enables me to proceed without any fear that I might inadvertently influence you to abandon promising careers in business, law or politics for the giddy delights of becoming a gay wizard. You see? If all you remember in years to come is the ‘gay wizard’ joke, I’ve still come out ahead of Baroness Mary Warnock. Achievable goals: the first step towards personal improvement. Actually, I have wracked my mind and heart for what I ought to say to you today. I have asked myself what I wish I had known at my own graduation, and what important lessons I have learned in the 21 years that has expired between that day and this. I have come up with two answers. On this wonderful day when we are gathered together to celebrate your academic success, I have decided to talk to you about the benefits of failure. And as you stand on the threshold of what is sometimes called ‘real life’, I want to extol the crucial importance of imagination. These might seem quixotic or paradoxical choices, but please bear with me. Looking back at the 21-year-old that I was at graduation, is a slightly uncomfortable experience for the 42-year-old that she has become. Half my lifetime ago, I was striking an uneasy balance between the ambition I had for myself, and what those closest to me expected of me. I was convinced that the only thing I wanted to do, ever, was to write novels. However, my parents, both of whom came from impoverished backgrounds and neither of whom had been to college, took the view that my overactive imagination was an amusing personal quirk that could never pay a mortgage, or secure a pension. They had hoped that I would take a vocational degree; I wanted to study English Literature. A compromise was reached that in retrospect satisfied nobody, and I went up to study Modern Languages. Hardly had my parents’ car rounded the corner at the end of the road than I ditched German and scuttled off down the Classics corridor. I cannot remember telling my parents that I was studying Classics; they might well have found out for the first time on graduation day. Of all subjects on this planet, I think they would have been hard put to name one less useful than Greek mythology when it came to securing the keys to an executive bathroom. I would like to make it clear, in parenthesis, that I do not blame my parents for their point of view. There is an expiry date on blaming your parents for steering you in the wrong direction; the moment you are old enough to take the wheel, responsibility lies with you. What is more, I cannot criticise my parents for hoping that I would never experience poverty. They had been poor themselves, and I have since been poor, and I quite agree with them that it is not an ennobling experience. Poverty entails fear, and stress, and sometimes depression; it means a thousand petty humiliations and hardships. Climbing out of poverty by your own efforts, that is indeed something on which to pride yourself, but poverty itself is romanticised only by fools. What I feared most for myself at your age was not poverty, but failure. At your age, in spite of a distinct lack of motivation at university, where I had spent far too long in the coffee bar writing stories, and far too little time at lectures, I had a knack for passing examinations, and that, for years, had been the measure of success in my life and that of my peers. I am not dull enough to suppose that because you are young, gifted and well-educated, you have never known hardship or heartbreak. Talent and intelligence never yet inoculated anyone against the caprice of the Fates, and I do not for a moment suppose that everyone here has enjoyed an existence of unruffled privilege and contentment. However, the fact that you are graduating from Harvard suggests that you are not very well-acquainted with failure. You might be driven by a fear of failure quite as much as a desire for success. Indeed, your conception of failure might not be too far from the average person’s idea of success, so high have you already flown academically. Ultimately, we all have to decide for ourselves what constitutes failure, but the world is quite eager to give you a set of criteria if you let it. So I think it fair to say that by any conventional measure, a mere seven years after my graduation day, I had failed on an epic scale. An exceptionally short-lived marriage had imploded, and I was jobless, a lone parent, and as poor as it is possible to be in modern Britain, without being homeless. The fears my parents had had for me, and that I had had for myself, had both come to pass, and by every usual standard, I was the biggest failure I knew. Now, I am not going to stand here and tell you that failure is fun. That period of my life was a dark one, and I had no idea that there was going to be what the press has since represented as a kind of fairy tale resolution. I had no idea how far the tunnel extended, and for a long time, any light at the end of it was a hope rather than a reality. So why do I talk about the benefits of failure? Simply because failure meant a stripping away of the inessential. I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than what I was, and began to direct all my energy into finishing the only work that mattered to me. Had I really succeeded at anything else, I might never have found the determination to succeed in the one arena I believed I truly belonged. I was set free, because my greatest fear had already been realised, and I was still alive, and I still had a daughter whom I adored, and I had an old typewriter and a big idea. And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. You might never fail on the scale I did, but some failure in life is inevitable. It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all – in which case, you fail by default. Failure gave me an inner security that I had never attained by passing examinations. Failure taught me things about myself that I could have learned no other way. I discovered that I had a strong will, and more discipline than I had suspected; I also found out that I had friends whose value was truly above rubies. The knowledge that you have emerged wiser and stronger from setbacks means that you are, ever after, secure in your ability to survive. You will never truly know yourself, or the strength of your relationships, until both have been tested by adversity. Such knowledge is a true gift, for all that it is painfully won, and it has been worth more to me than any qualification I ever earned. Given a time machine or a Time Turner, I would tell my 21-year-old self that personal happiness lies in knowing that life is not a check-list of acquisition or achievement. Your qualifications, your CV, are not your life, though you will meet many people of my age and older who confuse the two. Life is difficult, and complicated, and beyond anyone’s total control, and the humility to know that will enable you to survive its vicissitudes. You might think that I chose my second theme, the importance of imagination, because of the part it played in rebuilding my life, but that is not wholly so. Though I will defend the value of bedtime stories to my last gasp, I have learned to value imagination in a much broader sense. Imagination is not only the uniquely human capacity to envision that which is not, and therefore the fount of all invention and innovation. In its arguably most transformative and revelatory capacity, it is the power that enables us to empathise with humans whose experiences we have never shared. One of the greatest formative experiences of my life preceded Harry Potter, though it informed much of what I subsequently wrote in those books. This revelation came in the form of one of my earliest day jobs. Though I was sloping off to write stories during my lunch hours, I paid the rent in my early 20s by working in the research department at Amnesty International’s headquarters in London. There in my little office I read hastily scribbled letters smuggled out of totalitarian regimes by men and women who were risking imprisonment to inform the outside world of what was happening to them. I saw photographs of those who had disappeared without trace, sent to Amnesty by their desperate families and friends. I read the testimony of torture victims and saw pictures of their injuries. I opened handwritten, eye-witness accounts of summary trials and executions, of kidnappings and rapes. Many of my co-workers were ex-political prisoners, people who had been displaced from their homes, or fled into exile, because they had the temerity to think independently of their government. Visitors to our office included those who had come to give information, or to try and find out what had happened to those they had been forced to leave behind. I shall never forget the African torture victim, a young man no older than I was at the time, who had become mentally ill after all he had endured in his homeland. He trembled uncontrollably as he spoke into a video camera about the brutality inflicted upon him. He was a foot taller than I was, and seemed as fragile as a child. I was given the job of escorting him to the Underground Station afterwards, and this man whose life had been shattered by cruelty took my hand with exquisite courtesy, and wished me future happiness. And as long as I live I shall remember walking along an empty corridor and suddenly hearing, from behind a closed door, a scream of pain and horror such as I have never heard since. The door opened, and the researcher poked out her head and told me to run and make a hot drink for the young man sitting with her. She had just given him the news that in retaliation for his own outspokenness against his country’s regime, his mother had been seized and executed. Every day of my working week in my early 20s I was reminded how incredibly fortunate I was, to live in a country with a democratically elected government, where legal representation and a public trial were the rights of everyone. Every day, I saw more evidence about the evils humankind will inflict on their fellow humans, to gain or maintain power. I began to have nightmares, literal nightmares, about some of the things I saw, heard and read. And yet I also learned more about human goodness at Amnesty International than I had ever known before. Amnesty mobilises thousands of people who have never been tortured or imprisoned for their beliefs to act on behalf of those who have. The power of human empathy, leading to collective action, saves lives, and frees prisoners. Ordinary people, whose personal well-being and security are assured, join together in huge numbers to save people they do not know, and will never meet. My small participation in that process was one of the most humbling and inspiring experiences of my life. Unlike any other creature on this planet, humans can learn and understand, without having experienced. They can think themselves into other people’s minds, imagine themselves into other people’s places. Of course, this is a power, like my brand of fictional magic, that is morally neutral. One might use such an ability to manipulate, or control, just as much as to understand or sympathise. And many prefer not to exercise their imaginations at all. They choose to remain comfortably within the bounds of their own experience, never troubling to wonder how it would feel to have been born other than they are. They can refuse to hear screams or to peer inside cages; they can close their minds and hearts to any suffering that does not touch them personally; they can refuse to know. I might be tempted to envy people who can live that way, except that I do not think they have any fewer nightmares than I do. Choosing to live in narrow spaces can lead to a form of mental agoraphobia, and that brings its own terrors. I think the wilfully unimaginative see more monsters. They are often more afraid. What is more, those who choose not to empathise may enable real monsters. For without ever committing an act of outright evil ourselves, we collude with it, through our own apathy. One of the many things I learned at the end of that Classics corridor down which I ventured at the age of 18, in search of something I could not then define, was this, written by the Greek author Plutarch: What we achieve inwardly will change outer reality. That is an astonishing statement and yet proven a thousand times every day of our lives. It expresses, in part, our inescapable connection with the outside world, the fact that we touch other people’s lives simply by existing. But how much more are you, Harvard graduates of 2008, likely to touch other people’s lives? Your intelligence, your capacity for hard work, the education you have earned and received, give you unique status, and unique responsibilities. Even your nationality sets you apart. The great majority of you belong to the world’s only remaining superpower. The way you vote, the way you live, the way you protest, the pressure you bring to bear on your government, has an impact way beyond your borders. That is your privilege, and your burden. If you choose to use your status and influence to raise your voice on behalf of those who have no voice; if you choose to identify not only with the powerful, but with the powerless; if you retain the ability to imagine yourself into the lives of those who do not have your advantages, then it will not only be your proud families who celebrate your existence, but thousands and millions of people whose reality you have helped transform for the better. We do not need magic to change the world, we carry all the power we need inside ourselves already: we have the power to imagine better. I am nearly finished. I have one last hope for you, which is something that I already had at 21. The friends with whom I sat on graduation day have been my friends for life. They are my children’s godparents, the people to whom I’ve been able to turn in times of trouble, friends who have been kind enough not to sue me when I’ve used their names for Death Eaters. At our graduation we were bound by enormous affection, by our shared experience of a time that could never come again, and, of course, by the knowledge that we held certain photographic evidence that would be exceptionally valuable if any of us ran for Prime Minister. So today, I can wish you nothing better than similar friendships. And tomorrow, I hope that even if you remember not a single word of mine, you remember those of Seneca, another of those old Romans I met when I fled down the Classics corridor, in retreat from career ladders, in search of ancient wisdom: As is a tale, so is life: not how long it is, but how good it is, is what matters. I wish you all very good lives. Thank you very much.

Aftermath 2

May 17th, 2008 by dcwin29

May 3, Saturday

8:00 am - Third to the last to get off the bus. There I was waiting for someone to pick me up sa may highway. May motorbike na dumating. Hitched behind the driver. "Lolo ako ni Jowam eh… Gay ka rin ba?" Hay, at least natawa na naman ako. How cinematic that scene was: a motorbike ride behind a lolo asking me if I was gay.

8:05 am - Friends, familiar faces at last. Breakfast. "Ang-payat mo! Ano ba ginagawa mo sa sarili mo?" Finally, I told the story. Thank you friends, I can and will never forget the look on your faces. How you felt for me, even cried with me. Salamat Julz and Ehljay. Yet again, a new beginning with friends.

You know how I was throughout the trip. The Windmills, the Lighthouse, Pagudpud.

A camera shot. Martyn said, "Darwin, ang-lungkot ng mukha mo."

I guess no pictures for me as of now.

A lot of conversations, a lot of advice.

"Isipin mo iyong mga kaibigan at pamilya mo na nasasaktan dahil ganiyan ka ngayon… You have to learn to let go… Kami ni JB maraming differences pero I choose to work things out, stay with him kasi mahal ko siya at may respeto ako sa kaniya… I choose to grow with him."

Julz mahal ko na rin si Martyn. You two have to take care of each other.

"Pero alam mo, ‘pag bumalik sa ‘kin iyon, tatanggapin ko pa rin."

"Ok lang iyon, at the end ikaw naman ang mag-dedecide hindi naman kami. You only live once."

Salamat Mark, you really understand.

And of course, Carlo and Harry for backing me up. I need the sobriety and levity. The devil’s advocates see things from a different perspective. Orchids nga lang siguro ang katapat nito. Hay, with you around, hindi pwedeng hindi maging masaya.

May 4, Sunday

Sige, magiging ok din ako.

Lunch - It’s a Sunday. It’s refreshing. Lunch by the beach tapos worship songs iyong tugtog sa restaurant. Our group’s really about contradictions. Imagine, of all people, si Jowam pa pala ang pumupunta sa charismatic gatherings and worships! Jowam with his long hair and tranny get up. Nakakatuwa. I agree Carlo, that was how we were brought up.

"Alam mo kung may gusto kang sabihin, sa ‘kin mo sabihin, ‘wag kay Lea."

Huh? May smiley face pa.

Evening - Trip to Manila. Still no sleep but at least I have familiar faces with me.

May 5, Monday

7:00 am - Back in Manila.

My sister was in Mandaluyong. We got to talk. And she cried… because nanay cried… because I cried.

"Kuya matagal ko na rin alam. Na-figure out ko na. Next time, maging choosy ka naman kasi."

And why do your friends check out my friendster account? Market value for a younger crowd? Natawa na naman ako. After all, ako pala ang may appeal sa teen audience. Hay…

Afternoon - Got new glasses. New way of looking at things? I guess… I wish…

May 6, 7, 8 - Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday

Always a blur of text messages:

"Do you love me?"

"Yes."

"More than Lui?"

"Of course, matagal na iyon."

"More than Ian?"

"I love you. I just like him."

"But your blog… looked for all these time… never felt like this before…"

Evening of the 8th, I rushed to Antipolo. Gathered all the things that reminded me of him. I have to return them to him. For closure… or if we were to start anew…

May 9, Friday

After office hours.

"Sumunod ka na lang Tomatokick. Last Friday na namin ‘to ng mga students ko."

‘Tang ina naman, I already made a fool out of myself sa klase mo. Hanggang ngayon ba naman hindi ka pa tapos saktan ako? Respeto naman. Buti sana kung sina Vianka or Llenel iyan. Better yet kung sina Lea, Bick, Boi or Rhay. Pero ‘tang ina naman, one and a half years para sa mga taong nakilala mo for more or less a month?

Fuck off, I’m going home.

Iniwan ko mga gamit niya sa dorm.

11:00 pm - For some reason, I feel that I can sleep. Thank you Lord.

May 10, Saturday

2:00 am - A text message woke me up from my first ever real sleep in days. You wanted to see me.

"Saktan mo na lang ako. I’ve been a fool. The biggest fucking fool."

And you know I’m not selfish. I throw away my pride when I worry.

"I’m on the sixth floor and it gets dizzying up here."

I was all set when my friends texted me: "Saan ka na? Punta ka dito kina Ehljay."

Wow, this must be something. An unexpected twist of fate.

I passed by Ehljay’s house. They were doing some stuff for the fiesta.

"’Wag ka na pumunta Darwin. Pinalitan ka na nga pinipilit mo pa rin sarili mo."

But I wanted to do it nonetheless. Ito na iyong lisensya ko para magpaka-tanga.

"Sige, pero meet him halfway. Hindi naman pwedeng ikaw pa rin ang humahabol eh ikaw na nga iyong ginago. ‘Pag nalaman namin na umabot ka ng QC naku…."

And so we met up at Starbs Crossing. Spent time together.

Breakfast at Tropical.

Movie, Megamall. Hay Ploning…

"Isipin mo na lang na kaya mas nasasaktan ka, dahil ikaw ang mas nagmahal."

"… hindi handa ‘pag iniwan."

We talked. I can’t believe you thought I was the one who broke up with you. Eh ikaw iyong may iba ‘di ba? Ikaw nga nag-sabi na you never felt like this before, remember?

"Ikaw makipaghiwalay sa ‘kin kasi ikaw naman ang may problema. Sabihin mo sa ‘kin na ayaw mo na sa ‘kin kasi may gusto kang iba."

Sorry kung naging abrasive ako. I was just hurt.

"Si Ian?"

"Nasa puso ko…"

And I still stand by what I feel: you’ve been listening to the wrong people. And you admitted it, you’ve been in the wrong environment.

I have no hard feelings for Ian. It’s not about who replaced me as much as how you left me. Why would you listen to people whose lives aren’t straightened out? And galit ako sa mga studyante mo kasi hindi ka nila iningatan. They never meant to, I believe that. Pero naging mabait ka naman sa kanila. Why would they push on with their sophomoric ways? Do they even know how serious I was with you. Hay, wrong people, wrong environment. Pero ikaw din kasi iyong nakinig eh. I was a show for your students. Still, I don’t regret it.

I walked out.

Amneris’ Letter.

I texted you. I apologized. I tried calling but you won’t pick up.

Evening - "Gusto ko isoli iyong mga gamit mo." "Can I call you?"

Malinaw na rin naman sa ‘kin. I had my shortcomings, I admit. But you should have worked it out with me instead of always saying na ok ka na when I’m there. I was more than willing to give what you needed. But you have your own issues Bryan, your own hang-ups. In time we could be prepared for each other. In time…

And so I thought that was it. I wanted to end it on good terms.

"You’re a good person, remember that. You have to take care of yourself."

"Ikaw lang nagsasabi sa ‘kin nun eh."

Because I believe that.

Punta kami Bulacan. My friends wanted to console me.

May 11 - Sunday

Past 12:00 am - Videoke, food, ice cream, kwento.

I will never forget the look on Allels’ face when I was singing Nobody Knows. Ano ka ba, since highschool ko pa kinakanta iyan. Bagay kasi sa boses ko. Nag-senti lang talaga ako this time.

Sobrang masaya ako na I have friends like you.

And Jenina’s advice is worth taking: "Ok lang naman na mahal mo pa rin siya. Pero kailangan mo ring mahalin ang sarili mo."

Uwi na galing Bulacan.

Thanks Allels for the weekend.

May 12, 13, 14 - Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday

Conflicted text messages. Ang hindi ko naman maintindihan ay kung bakit ikaw ang galit sa ‘kin eh ikaw na nga iyong nang-iwan?

I guess pareho lang tayong confused and hurting.

Nga pala, close na kami ni Rhay =)

May 15, Thursday

Mahirap pala talaga. Kasi when you thought na ok ka na, bumabalik pa rin iyong lungkot. Sabi nga ni Julz, "Hindi iyan kagat ng lamok."

Babalik at babalik nga siguro iyong sakit.

Evening - Iron Man with Sheena sa G4. May love problems din kasi iyon so she needed a diversion. Nakakatawa kami. Parehong spaced out in spite of the movie. Para nga kaming lasing. Malungkot kami pero tawa kami nang tawa. Wala kaming pakialam sa ibang tao. Ang ingay namin. May pagka-war freak pa. Hay, nakakatawa… nalasing nang hindi nakakainom.

At ‘pag "lasing" ka, malakas ang loob mo at wala kang pakialam.

"Why did you do this to me? I’m miserable din. Hehe"

And so we texted each other.

This time, na-feel ko na  magiging ok na iyong closure.

"Alam mo Bryan, at this point, hindi na naman importante kung sino pinalit mo sa ‘kin eh. It was a year and a half. I was happy din naman. I’ve changed. I’d like to believe ikaw din."

"You were the best thing that ever happened in my life… Bukas aamin na ko kay Ian."

"Sige good luck. Basta don’t self-destruct. Ayokong bumalik ka sa post-Lui days mo."

"My baby… I love you…"

"My knight… my lab…"

"Bryan, I guess this is goodbye… And ‘wag mo na muna ako i-text lalo na ‘pag lasing ka. Nahihirapan lang kasi ako ‘pag nagiging suicidal ka na. I worry…."

May 16, Friday

Evening - Dinner sa Pizza Hut Katips with the new officers of my college org. Siyempre andun din si Joe, Jennix, and Preck. Talked to them, siyempre nasabi ko rin love matters ko for the past weeks.

Ok din na may kausap ka about these things. Helps you get by.

Pero at the back of my mind, naisip ko… Siguro ok na sila nung student niya ngayon. What if makita ko sila ngayon dito sa Katips? Ano kaya gagawin ko? Ano kaya sasabihin ko? Ano kaya mararamdaman ko?

Lipat kami SeaBest.

I’m such a loser. Hehe. I’ve been reduced to having steamed milk kasi hindi ako pwede sa kahit anong may caffeine.

Joe, Jennix, Preck, and I talked. They assured me that things will be ok. I believe them… and they know me.

May 17, Saturday

Past 1:00 am - "Bakit mo ko delete friendster?" "Nung nahihirapan na ako ‘pag naalala kita, nung nag-blog ka about Ian."

"Ok. (smiley face)"

"’Di ba napag-usapan na natin ‘to kagabi?"

"Ndi ko lang inexpect na pati iyon. Friends pa rin naman tayo ‘di ba? Add mo ko ule."

"Oh ok. Sige add mo ko. Approve ko when I get on-line."

*****

Nag-log in na siguro siya pero he never added me again. I have no requests to approve.

Nagsimula sa friendster. Natapos sa friendster…

Aftermath

May 17th, 2008 by dcwin29

You can never really tell what will happen. One minute things are just fine, the next none makes sense at all.

Admittedly, I was caught unawares what with the thanks-for-making-my-dreams-come-true sentiment just two weeks or so before all these flashed before me. A whirlwind. A blur.

But things are the way they are.

I am beaten, already numb. But then again the pangs still haunt me and I wait for the day when I wake up and everything’s okay.

They say it will be okay… and I believe, I keep faith.

Dear reader, somehow I am happy. Happy because I’ve done things I never thought I’d do. Was caught in situations I never thought I’d get into. Felt emotions I never thought I’d feel.

Sabi ko nga kay Joe kahapon nung pauwi na kami from SeaBest sa may Katips, "Joe, totoo pala iyong feeling na broken-hearted, noh?" And I meant that in the most literal sense.

Anyway, now that I’m a little sober (medicated sleep just doesn’t work for me), I want to list down the things that happened to me the past couple of days, all because… I want to remember.

Bryan said things will never be the same. And I guess it starts with me.

Yes, if truth be told, I feel that I’m a different person. Still the same, yet the scars made me richer. Still healing but I can already feel the difference.

*****

Mid-April, 2 weeks or so after his launch

He wanted space to think things out. I guess it was the calm before the storm.

April 26, Saturday

1:00 am - Planning the Ilocos trip with friends. Was looking forward to having him with us. Susunod lang kasi ako ng Friday, so it was supposed to be a long bus trip for the two of us.

A whirlwind of text messages: "… sagipin mo ko nahuhulog ako… gusto ko lang naman na sugurin mo ko dito… wala naman talagang iba eh…"

4:00 am - Back at home, in my bed. In a flash, I figured things out. Kahit pa sinabi niyang walang iba when I confronted him before, meron talaga eh. Texted him, tried calling. All I got was a cold: "Pasensya na hindi pa kasi ako nakakatulog. Magdala ka naman ng kape, ayaw mo kasi akong patulugin eh."

4:30 am - Starbs Crossing, got him a Java Chocochip Frap. Flagged a taxi and was on my way to his dorm.

5:00 or so am - He went down. We went to the dorm’s parking lot. We talked… actually I talked and sobbed. NR. The guards have been watching me cry.

6:00 or so am - "Kung last time na natin ‘to, punta naman tayo Sunken." And the whole sobbing thing ensued yet again. This time walang guards, joggers naman and the rest of the UP community. Still NR.

7:00 or so am - Sakay ng Ikot. Admittedly, he looked kinda cute that morning. Anyway, I dropped off at SOLAIR. Pagbaba ng jeep I rushed, ran away like crazy. Ganun pala kahirap. I never expected it. Kuha ng car pass and tickets. Graduation ko tomorrow. Sheena called up, salamat ha =)

The rest of the afternoon was a blur. I tried sleeping but I can’t.

April 27, Sunday

Graduation day. Hindi pa rin ako nakakatulog.

Thankfully, I managed a couple of sincere smiles. Afterall, I worked hard for this.

I expected the worst, no one will applaud me. But then again I managed to get more than applause. The cheer was totally unexpected. Sobrang saya. Thanks SOLAIR peeps, I almost cried.

Evening - "Sit in ka bukas sa class ko, I want to settle these feelings."

April 28, Monday

Absent from work.

I brought cupcakes and coffee. Left them at his table sa faculty room.

I went to his dorm. Wanted to accompany him to class.

Things are different.

He’s in a rush. And he wants to leave me behind.

Rush, rush, rush. Tried to hold him back but he doesn’t want to be held back. Rush.

His class.

I sat at the back.

Why should you be such a nerd? The cruelty’s just too much: "… lipat sa susunod na electron… excitement… the one you’ve been looking for all these time."

I know who he is. He kinda looks like AV… who looks like Lui. The catch is… the way he fixed his glasses on his face was the way I used to fix mine: fingers brushing the side of his head above the ears. Wow, that was how I used to do it when I was a freshman.

Funny.

Ironic.

You’re liking the person I used to be before we met.

And then you allowed me to make a fool out of myself. But no regrets here, I wanted to do it.

"Sir, ano po bang klaseng excitement ang kailangan para ma-break iyong bond? Law of entropy… things will be in constant disarray… you need to work things out…."

Fuck, I’m a big nerd as well.

You called him after class. Brought him to "our spot" at the fire escape. I insisted to follow. And sorry Ian kung na-epalan ka sa ‘kin. Pero totoo naman kasi na sayang iyong tuition kung mag-drop ka. Pasensya na, I never meant to barge in into your life, your decisions. Sorry.

Afternoon - "Punta na lang kayo dito sa Starbs sa Timog. Nasa gym kasi ako. May gift ako from Boracay." "Lea kasi ayoko namang ipagpilitan iyong sarili ko sa kaniya. Magpapaalam na lang talaga ako sa iyo"

Lea arrived, thanks for the hug.

She does have a hold on you noh? Paano na lang kung wala siya?

I walked out kasi hindi ko na kayang makita how inconsiderate you are of me.

And hindi ko na rin pwedeng tanggapin iyong gift ni Lea. Matching necklaces? Well…

April 29, Tuesday

6:00 am - Office. "Sir, hindi pa po ako nakakatulog since Friday." "Punta ka clinic mamaya."

11:30 am - Clinic. "For anxiety, Tranxene. 4 lang muna pero if it works the first night, stop na."

Evening - "Tatay, punta naman kayo dito Mandaluyong after work bukas. Usap tayo."

I want to sleep. Dalawang 500ml na Red Horse? Just made me puke, terrible headache… but still no sleep.

April 30, Wednesday

6:00 am - "Ano ba problema?" "Tatay, mamaya na lang after office, paalis na ko."

6:30 am - "Ano ba kasi problema? Nag-aalala na tatay mo." "Nanay, nasa daan ako." "Tumigil ka muna."

"Naalala niyo iyong pinakilala ko sa Antipolo?"

"Oo, ano nga pangalan nun?"

"Boyfriend ko iyon for one and a half years. Iniwan ako for his student."

"So ano, masakit sa damdamin? Ok lang iyon mag-pray ka na lang."

"Alam mo matagal ko nang alam eh. Kaya nga hindi na kita kinikibo ‘pag nag-oovernight ka."

And that’s when i started crying.

Naglalakad habang umiiyak. Nakasakay sa jeep habang nagpapahid ng luha. At nga pala, I prayed the rosary while on the bus.

Hay Darwin, who would’ve expected you to do that? Definitely not me. Pero ganun talaga. Masaya pa rin naman kahit papaano. It’s a new beginning with my parents.

Office. My two bosses called me. "Darwin ano ba problema? Anlungkot-lungkot mo."

7:00 pm - Inuwi ako ng parents ko sa Antipolo. On the way, we stopped by Robinsons Cainta, may kailangang ayusin si tatay.

"Nanay, ayoko kasing bilhin iyong gamot. Baka ma-adik ako."

"Hindi bilhin mo na."

"Ok naman na tao iyon, ‘wag kayong magalit."

"Hay naku, kung growth ang gusto niya, hindi siya titingin sa iba. Gusto niyang makatikim ng ibang putahe."

Hay naku, tama bang sabihin ng nanay sa anak iyan? At least natawa ako kahit papaano.

Yet another sleepless night. Now I know na hindi ako magiging adik, walang epekto iyong Tranxene.

May 1 - Thursday

Needless to say, your blog devastated me.

May 2 - Friday

Sexual harassment seminar sa office. Hint?

Evening - The longest trip of my life. Not knowing where to go. Lonely as ever. Alone in the bus to Ilocos.

*****

That’s all for now. It’s been a long while before I felt sleepy. I need to grab this blessing.

Don’t Give Up

May 16th, 2008 by dcwin29

in this proud land we grew up strong
we were wanted all along
I was taught to fight, taught to win
I never thought I could fail
no fight left or so it seems
I am a man whose dreams have all deserted
I’ve changed my face, I’ve changed my name
but no one wants you when you lose
don’t give up
‘cos you have friends
don’t give up
you’re not beaten yet
don’t give up
I know you can make it good
though I saw it all around
never thought that I could be affected
thought that we’d be the last to go
it is so strange the way things turn

drove the night toward my home
the place that I was born, on the lakeside
as daylight broke, I saw the earth
the trees had burned down to the ground
don’t give up
you still have us
don’t give up
we don’t need much of anything
don’t give up
’cause somewhere there’s a place
where we belong
rest your head
you worry too much
it’s going to be alright
when times get rough
you can fall back on us
don’t give up
please don’t give up
‘got to walk out of here
I can’t take anymore
going to stand on that bridge
keep my eyes down below
whatever may come
and whatever may go
that river’s flowing
that river’s flowing
moved on to another town
tried hard to settle down
for every job, so many men
so many men no-one needs
don’t give up
’cause you have friends
don’t give up
you’re not the only one
don’t give up
no reason to be ashamed
don’t give up
you still have us
don’t give up now
we’re proud of who you are
don’t give up
you know it’s never been easy
don’t give up
’cause I believe there’s a place
there’s a place where we belong

- Peter Gabriel

Sa Tulay

May 13th, 2008 by dcwin29

Kahapon sinabay ako ni Ms. Dona pauwi. I discovered a new way to go home – 5 minute walk, 5 minute trike ride, 15 minute jeep ride. Ang masaya pa nito, I was freed of the congestions of EDSA: the crowd, the rush, and all things you find difficult with the throng of people commuting during rush hour.

While walking along Makati Ave, she asked me kung nakatulog na ba ako.

Sabi ko, “Opo ma’am. And I’m happy with the three hours kasi alam kong tulog talaga ako. I’ll get there sooner or later… sana.”

“Psychological kasi iyan Darwin. Ikaw lang ang makakatulong sa sarili mo.”

Pagbaba ng trike, sabi niya ibinayad niya na raw ako kanina pa.

Sagot ko, “Ma’am, nagbayad din ako eh.”

Kinuha niya sa trike driver iyong dumobleng bayad tapos habang pababa na kami sa tulay ng Makati-Mandaluyong inabot niya iyong eight pesos sa ‘kin.

“Oh kunin mo na ‘to.”

“Hindi na ma’am. Ok na po.”

“Kunin mo na. First time mo eh.”

Napaisip ako. Oo nga first time ko ‘to.

“Sige ma’am, gusto ko iyang dahilan na iyan.”

Tinanggap ko iyong eight pesos sakto pagbaba namin sa tulay. May jeep na pala dun na dadaan pauwi ng bahay.

“Ma’am pwede na pala akong sumakay dito eh.”

“Sige, kita mo ok naman pala eh.”

“Oo nga ma’am, thank you. Ingat po kayo.”

BC from DC

May 10th, 2008 by dcwin29

I’m over that stage, you aren’t.
I had my shortcomings but I never faltered.
I was faithful.
You were not.
At the end of the day, it was you who chose someone else.
What ifs are pointless.
If I did things differently, would I be assured that you won’t fall for another?
What ifs are pointless.
If you treated me like you treat your students, would you have found the redemption you’ve been yearning?
Fantasy fulfilled?
And I gave up because I can never be him. I can’t be haunted by his shadow.
You desire him.
And I choose to be myself, my selfless self.
You loved me… because I was there.
I loved you… because you were you.
And it’s not me who’s weak. I trust that you understand.
I may be naive but I know what’s true.
I know you.
And I just have to accept what is.
Yes, you loved me.
But you broke my heart, sold it to be with someone else.
I was committed to see it through until the end.
A pinch of temptation and you changed gears.
And yes, things will never be the same again.
I’ll find it in my heart to forgive you.
In so doing, I’ll be able to forgive myself.
And emotions are not the monopoly of dark people.
I am good yet I feel.
Good luck.
I want you to be happy, you know that.
And by wishing you peace, I set myself free.
Salamat, BC.

- DC

***

May 5th, 2008 by dcwin29

It Ends Tonight

Your subtleties
They strangle me
I can’t explain myself at all.
And all that wants
And all that needs
All I don’t want to need at all.

The walls start breathing
My mind’s unweaving
Maybe it’s best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight
It ends tonight.

A falling star
Least I fall alone.
I can’t explain what you can’t explain.
Your finding things that you didn’t know
I look at you with such disdain

The walls start breathing
My mind’s unweaving
Maybe it’s best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight wont make this right
It’s too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

Now I’m on my own side
It’s better than being on your side
It’s my fault when your blind
It’s better that I see it through your eyes

All these thoughts locked inside
Now you’re the first to know

- All American Rejects

*****

Ex-Factor

It could all be so simple

But you’d rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
And we both end up with scars
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will

Is this just a silly game
That forces you to act this way
Forces you to scream my name
Then pretend that you can’t stay
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will

No matter how I think we grow
You always seem to let me know
It ain’t workin’
It ain’t workin’
And when I try to walk away
You’d hurt yourself to make me stay
This is crazy
This is crazy

I keep letting you back in
How can I explain myself
As painful as this thing has been
I just can’t be with no one else
See I know what we got to do
You let go and I’ll let go too
‘Cause no one’s hurt me more than you
And no one ever will

Care for me, care for me
I know you care for me

There for me, there for me
Said you’d be there for me

Cry for me, cry for me
You said you’d die for me

Give to me, give to me
Why won’t you live for me

- Lauryn Hill

*****

Ang Sarap Dito

Lilipad na ako, sabayan niyo ako.
Ang sarap dito sa pupuntahan ko
Bubuhos na ang saya, tayo na sumama ka
Ang sarap dito sa pupuntahan ko

Sawa na ako sa dati, naiinip parati
Wala na akong magawa, dito’y sawang-sawa
Ayoko na sa gano’n, lahat sobrang tahimik
Gusto ko ng mas maingay, tumikim na ng tunay

Lilipad na ako, sabayan niyo ako.
Ang sarap dito sa pupuntahan ko
Bubuhos na ang saya, tayo na sumama ka
Ang sarap dito sa pupuntahan ko

Ang uhaw ko sa laro parang biglang napawi
Wala na ring hapdi, nakangiti na lagi
Pananabik sa bagong buhay, bigla na lang naabot
Nang tumikim ako ng tunay, nawala na ang bugnot

Lilipad na ako, sabayan niyo ako.
Ang sarap dito sa pupuntahan ko
Bubuhos na ang saya, tayo na sumama ka
Ang sarap dito sa pupuntahan ko

Tikman mo, ang sarap dito
Tikman mo, ang sarap dito

Lilipad na ako, sabayan niyo ako.
Ang sarap dito sa pupuntahan ko
Bubuhos na ang saya, tayo na sumama ka
Ang sarap dito sa pupuntahan ko

Lilipad na ako, sabayan niyo ako.
Ang sarap dito sa pupuntahan ko
Bubuhos na ang saya, tayo na sumama ka
Ang sarap dito sa pupuntahan ko…

Tikman mo, ang sarap dito
Tikman mo, ang sarap dito
Tikman mo, ang sarap dito
Tikman mo…

- Project One

Seiso

April 30th, 2008 by dcwin29

I’m sweeping away the things that hurt me.

And the first step is to clear up.

I’m taking away the thoughts, the reminders.

It is hard but through time I pray things will be easier.

It is a fight but I know that once all these is over, that after the dust settles, I’d be better.

It’s something I must do to take care of myself.

To be with me minus all the clutter.

I’ve been fixing other people’s mess, it’s time to clear up mine.

*****

Everything happens for a reason. You let go and just believe. You can’t force yourself to be loved. Neither can you force yourself to love.

Things change. Feelings change.

But once you’ve found that true thing. It is your choice to stay. Because no matter how difficult it is, you have to weather the storms… because you love.

You let go not because you’ve given up. You let go because you hope and by letting go you learn to trust, to keep faith.

If things still don’t turn out right, then at the very least you’ve gained faith. And by earning that faith, you become more giving.

You can only give freely, if you expect nothing in return.

Let Go

April 30th, 2008 by dcwin29

Drink up, baby, down

Are you in or are you out?

Leave your things behind

Cause it’s all going off without you

Excuse me, too busy

You’re writing your tragedy

These mishaps

You bubble wrap

When you’ve no idea what you’re like

So let go, let go

Jump in

Oh well, whatcha waiting for?

It’s alright

Cause there’s beauty in the breakdown

It gains the more it gives

And it rises with the fall

So hand me that remote

Can’t you see that all that stuff’s a sideshow?

Such boundless pleasure

We’ve no time for later now

You can’t await your own arrival

You have twenty seconds to comply

So let go, let go

Just get in

Oh, it’s so amazing here

It’s alright

Cause there’s beauty in the breakdown

- Frou Frou

5S

April 29th, 2008 by dcwin29

I have the power to decide. I’ve always have. And people know me for my ability to follow through. I know that I can follow through.

It is my decision.

My affirmation.

I have to clean house.